Overwhleming But Positive

This experience has truly been overwhelming in so many different ways.  All the stress and anxiousness that I have felt since October is overwhelming and the continued support from all friends, family and strangers is unbelievably overwhelming.  I am simply amazed at the out pour of support that we are receiving from such wonderful people! 

I have not blogged in a while for a reason.  I am fine, however I wanted to know that for sure before I posted again.  My doctor and I found a lump in my breast a few weeks ago and I was scared to death.  I didn't know what to do and was so stressed by everything else that everything just snowballed!  There were lots of tears and panic and the fear of the unknown.  I took a couple days off of work that I would like to call mental health days.  I needed those days to get some extra rest and do something other than worry but, I was in no condition to work.  I had my first Mammogram and an Ultrasound and the radiologist was in there with me during the Ultrasound so he could read it live.  Thank the Lord that it was nothing, we were so relieved.  Again I feel as if everything that I am going through is teaching me something.  Whether I get that all figured out now or later down the road, I am sure it will all make sense someday.

One thing I do know that I have learned from all of this when I was reflecting on myself one day, is that the only way you will ever find happiness is being able to be truly and honestly happy for others.  Read that sentence again.  I may have spoke about this in one of my earlier blogs but, I cannot tell you how important this is.  That doesn't mean be happy for them to their face and then turn and roll your eyes when they walk away.  It really means being happy for others.  I don't know why it happens but, I think it starts when we are little kids.  You are happy with your toys until you see what little Sally has and then you want her toy.  Why can't you have what Sally has?  Now hers becomes better than yours and jealousy starts. 

This journey has taken me to different place in my life.  I have learned to be truly happy for others.  I would not want anyone to have to go through the things that we have been through.  Therefore I am happy for others, not jealous but, happy.  I am so happy that Sally gets to take a wonderful vacation because you know what, she deserves it and deserves to be happy.  I don't get to go on vacation but you know what, I have my health and that makes me happy.  I am very content with where I am in life and that makes me happy.

I am beginning to give back to others.  Whether it be taking some groceries to people or letting people know I care, I am reaching out to others.  It is not much but, I am doing it and trying to make a difference.  We have starting getting things together and organizing a benefit/fundraiser for Livie.  I am becoming an expert in this area.  Please tell people about me so that I can help them too if they need it!  I have absolutely loved planning this and working on getting people together and getting donations that I believe that this is something that I am meant to be doing.

Livie is doing wonderfully.  She is getting so big and weighs 16lbs 10oz.  I keep telling everyone she is getting ready for her surgery just in case she loses a little weight she will still be fine.  She is rolling over and can almost roll from her back to her tummy.  When you do put her on her tummy she tucks her knees up under herself and tries to move forward.  I am not ready for that yet!  We have also started her on cereal and introduced her to green beans the other night.  She liked them which is good!  I still wonder if she gets headaches or has some sort of pain from the Craniosynostosis.  Every once in a while she cries like she is in so much pain.  It makes me nervous.  Her surgery is right around the corner and I will be so thankful when it is all over.

We have decided with the help of friends and family that there will be a benefit/fundraiser for Livie!  This has been an excellent way to keep my mind off the upcoming surgery and to focus on something else for a while.

Saturday, March 12, 2011
Softail Saloon, Superior IA
6pm-8pm will be a bake sale and silent auction
8pm live auction

We have received some wonderful donations for the auction.  We can still use your help!  If you wish to donate an item or two to be auctioned off please email me at, jenniej530@yahoo.com.

Thank you again to everyone for your continued support and we hope to see you on March 12th!

Lots of love, Jennie

I need to breathe........

Feeling the stresses of the upcoming surgery are starting to take their toll on me.  I try so hard to remain positive and happy that it is becoming more difficult as the days go by.  I continue to show anger toward my husband and I am not exactly sure why.  I have heard that you take out your frustrations on the ones that are closest to you, unfortunately that is Mike.  I know that none of this is his fault, not the loss of his job, not Livie, not the renters moving out and not the financial situation we have found ourselves in.  I love my husband more now than I did the day we were married.  He is my rock and keeps me focused.  I am going to need him more than ever these next few months. 

My stomach remains in knots most days, I am extremely exhausted and my hair is falling out.  I am losing hair the size of small animals but, am assuming it all has to do with stress.  Thank goodness I have been blessed with a lot of hair.

I find that I am trying to find comfort by eating.  Unfortunately that is not working out so well.  It is only starting to piss me off that I am gaining some weight back from what I lost when I had Livie.  I really wish I could just remove my sweet tooth and be done with it.  If I don't turn to food then who or what do I turn to?  I would love to talk about things to my mom but I hate to burden her or anyone else for that matter with my problems.  It is the burden that I am scared of.  The burden of taking others time to listen to me.  Burdening them with my sadness and the fear that I am feeling.  I don't want to burden others with my problems.

I believe that God is answering our prayers.  Mike has found a new job and we have found renters for our house in Michigan.  We received a donation from Women's Night Out in Estherville.  It was such a wonderful surprise.  That has prompted us to start the Livie Fund.  There have been some donations made by others and we appreciate your help so much.  There is no way to ever thank everyone for all the support and prayers we have been receiving.  On Saturday, March 5th, 2011, we plan on doing a lia sophia fund raiser for Livie in Estherville however the location is TBD. 

I received this in an email from a friend of mine last night, Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you.  Praying this is true.