As Livie lay there on the table the doctor starts examining her head and feeling it, even closing his eyes to really tune into what it was he was feeling. He looked at me and said, "You are right. It feels as though her skull has already fused on the rightside." What? What does that mean? I stopped listening to him at that point and all these things starting running through my head. I decided I best start listening to him again before I made myself panic. I did hear him say that he was not 100% sure and that only a 3-D CT Scan could tell for sure. He then asked me where we would like to go. I knew that he had a young daughter so, I asked him if this was happening to his family where would he take his daughter. He did not hesitate in the least and told me, Mayo. He also had an acquaintance there that just happened to be a neuro-surgeon. It was settled then, that is where we were going. The CT Scan was scheduled for the following week.
This next part of my blog is going to be painful for me to write about. I am going to tell it like it is and be completely honest with myself and everyone reading this.
I can remember sitting there holding her the days leading to her CT Scan wondering what it was that I had done wrong and if there was something that I could have done to prevent this. I started thinking about how we were happy with our 2 children and we had just decided that 2 was a good number and we were OK with that. I had started investigating gastric bypass surgery which my doctor had recommended to me due to my high cholesterol levels which are unfortunately hereditary. I felt like I was getting my life on track and having babies were behind me.
Being snowed in on the farm during Christmas, does not leave a lot to do so Mike stayed up and drank and played cards. We took a chance that night and definitely thought the odds were in our favor. I remember a month later high-fiving in the kitchen because I now knew there was no way I could be pregnant. The worry was over.
I started feeling sick, was nauseous and had heartburn. After a couple of weeks of feeling like crap I went to the doctor. She told me I had a stomach virus and sent me on my way,(She was very much pregnant herself which makes this even funnier). People started telling me that I was pregnant and I thought they were crazy, it was just a stomach virus, the doctor even said so herself. Over a month of feeling like this and having my daycare lady tell me that when she feels like this she is pregnant, I thought what the hell, I have a test I might as well use it. I took the test and by the time I got my pants pulled up I swear the second line was blinking bright fluorescent blue at me. Oh God! What the @#$%! That is really all I could keep saying. Mike wasn't answering his phone and didn't answer his page at work. I called my mom. She couldn't believe it, we just nervously laughed together and I could hear Brooke in the background yelling, "Mike is going to kill you!" Once Mike called me back, the second I picked up the phone I yelled, "I am PREGNANT! Explain that one to me!". We went back and forth for a couple seconds and then both started laughing. We weren't expecting it but agreed that it was meant to be or it wouldn't have happened.
I had a horrible pregnancy. Felt like crap until almost 25 weeks, had to go to the hospital for severe dehydration, preterm contractions forever and of course gestational diabetes. The hardest one I thought for me would be the diabetes but, it actually turned out to be the easiest. It was the preterm contractions I had all the time that were making me miserable.
As I sat in the recliner and held onto my gift from God all I could think was why would God do this to me? Was he punishing me because I was satisfied with 2 girls and wasn't necessarily thrilled to be pregnant and have a third child? Was it because I hated my pregnancy and didn't really bond with her while I carried her for 9 months. What if she could feel this as I hold her in my arms? Can she feel and does she know I wasn't necessarily thrilled to have her at first? What had I done? I kept all this bottled up inside for quite some time. I was now scared to hold her for fear she could feel these things radiating from my body. I kept telling her I loved her and was so sorry but, didn't know if that was helping. I started feeling like things could easily spin out of control and I had to get it together. I had to get things together not only for myself but for my entire family. It is so easy to plaster a smile on your face and pretend that everything is OK. I got used to that for a while. Finally I couldn't do it anymore.
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