Losing Sleep

I cannot sleep so I decided now would be the perfect time to blog since my house is still quiet and there will be no interruptions.  I don't know if you remember this from the beginning but, I said that if I blog, I have to be honest.  Here it goes.......

For those of you that know me, you know that I can party with the best of them and always love to have a good time.  I went through a time in my life in high school and college where I developed a drinking problem.  If you would have asked me about it then I would have told you that you were crazy but, knowing what I know now I clearly had a problem.  It affected a lot of things in my life but, I have taken those experiences and use them as learning tools and a guide for myself. 

Having a drinking problem does not mean that you need alcohol to survive.  I did not need to drink everyday and I didn't.  What I did when I would go out was drink to the point that I would black out.  It got really bad when it would only take me 3-4 beers to get me to that point.  I could not control my alcohol anymore and it was controlling me.

I started dating Mike and we continued with the partying.  We had been dating for 9 months when he was transferred to Traverse City, MI.  He became the Food and Beverage Director at the Park Place Hotel.  If you have not been to Traverse City, MI, I highly recommend you add it to your bucket list.  It is so beautiful there.  Lake Michigan has teal blue waters and white sandy beaches.  It was like being in Mexico.  I do plan on living there again some day! 

I followed Mike out there after we had been together for 1 year.  It was hard at first.  We didn't know anyone.  All we had was each other.  We made awesome friends there and the party continued.  I started to realize that I needed help.  I went to my doctor and for the first time I admitted to someone that I needed help.  That was one of the hardest moments of my life.  I was depressed and drinking too much and didn't like what was happening to me.  I started taking Prozac.  The change was like night and day.  I couldn't believe it and I felt so much better.  Mike and I got married and a little over a year later we were expecting our first child.  I talked to my doctor about the Prozac and they reassured me that it was safe to be on during pregnancy.  They would rather I stayed on it than take me off and sink into a depression. 

Addie was born healthy and was definitely a happy little baby.  When Addie was 4 months old we moved to Farmington, MN.  With the move and changes, I decided it would not be a good idea to go off of my medication.  I found wonderful doctors here in Farmington.  When Addie was almost 2 we decided to start trying for a second child.  When I went to the doctor we found out that I had a fibroid in my uterus that would need to be removed before we could get pregnant again.  Instead of surgery we opted for a shot that would be given monthly, that would shrink the fibroid.  I was given the shot monthly for the next 3 months and it was absolutely horrible.  I call this time in my life "when I was crazy" because the medication did truly make me feel that way.  I do not remember everything from these 3 months.  It was like I was in a fog.  I believe it was God's way of protecting me from the side effects of the medication.  I will never take this medication again and would strongly recommend other's to find a different alternative as well. 

I stayed on the Prozac and Bella was born!  Another beautiful baby girl that was happy and healthy!  When Bella was 10 months old we found out we were expecting number 3.  Needless to say this was definitely a surprise!  When I finally figured out that what I had was not a stomach virus, I was already 3 months along.  It was hard for me to accept that I was having another baby.  I had just decided that 2 children were enough and had started to make some changes in my life to better myself.  My hormones were really out of wack at this point.  I talked to my doctor and we decided that I had been on Prozac for so long that switching me to a new medication may not be a bad idea.  I switched to Lexapro and that seemed to help. 

We all know that Livie was born with Craniosynostosis.  What I am finding out now is that the Prozac and Lexapro may have caused her condition.  I first heard this before Livie's surgery and put it on the back burner.  I started digging into this a little more recently and what I am finding is truly heartbreaking.  A lot of anti-depressants may cause this and other problems in children being born.  At first I was sad and now I am angry.  The reason why I stayed on the medication during pregnancy was because it was safe.  I talked to all my doctors about it and not one of them was worried.  It was safe and there were no known side affects, was what I was told with each of my children.  Prozac is one of the older anti-depressants that has been around forever.  Why wasn't this caught sooner?   

Addie and Bella were not born with Craniosynostosis but, some of the other things the medication can cause is heart and lung problems.  Does this mean that down the road they can develop problems?  Does this mean that Livie can also have heart and lung problems?  I am so worried that I caused this and it could have been prevented.  I am so scared that the reason Livie has gone through a major surgery is because of me.  I am her mom and am supposed to protect her!  I have seriously lost sleep over this.  I know that there is nothing I can do about it now but, I can raise awareness.  I already believe that I am supposed to be an advocate for Craniosynostosis and now finding out if the medication has caused this can be added to the list. 

I do understand that this could just be a fluke and the medication could have nothing to do with why Livie was born with Craniosynostosis but, it will become my mission to find out and raise awareness.