I cannot sleep so I decided now would be the perfect time to blog since my house is still quiet and there will be no interruptions. I don't know if you remember this from the beginning but, I said that if I blog, I have to be honest. Here it goes.......
For those of you that know me, you know that I can party with the best of them and always love to have a good time. I went through a time in my life in high school and college where I developed a drinking problem. If you would have asked me about it then I would have told you that you were crazy but, knowing what I know now I clearly had a problem. It affected a lot of things in my life but, I have taken those experiences and use them as learning tools and a guide for myself.
Having a drinking problem does not mean that you need alcohol to survive. I did not need to drink everyday and I didn't. What I did when I would go out was drink to the point that I would black out. It got really bad when it would only take me 3-4 beers to get me to that point. I could not control my alcohol anymore and it was controlling me.
I started dating Mike and we continued with the partying. We had been dating for 9 months when he was transferred to Traverse City, MI. He became the Food and Beverage Director at the Park Place Hotel. If you have not been to Traverse City, MI, I highly recommend you add it to your bucket list. It is so beautiful there. Lake Michigan has teal blue waters and white sandy beaches. It was like being in Mexico. I do plan on living there again some day!
I followed Mike out there after we had been together for 1 year. It was hard at first. We didn't know anyone. All we had was each other. We made awesome friends there and the party continued. I started to realize that I needed help. I went to my doctor and for the first time I admitted to someone that I needed help. That was one of the hardest moments of my life. I was depressed and drinking too much and didn't like what was happening to me. I started taking Prozac. The change was like night and day. I couldn't believe it and I felt so much better. Mike and I got married and a little over a year later we were expecting our first child. I talked to my doctor about the Prozac and they reassured me that it was safe to be on during pregnancy. They would rather I stayed on it than take me off and sink into a depression.
Addie was born healthy and was definitely a happy little baby. When Addie was 4 months old we moved to Farmington, MN. With the move and changes, I decided it would not be a good idea to go off of my medication. I found wonderful doctors here in Farmington. When Addie was almost 2 we decided to start trying for a second child. When I went to the doctor we found out that I had a fibroid in my uterus that would need to be removed before we could get pregnant again. Instead of surgery we opted for a shot that would be given monthly, that would shrink the fibroid. I was given the shot monthly for the next 3 months and it was absolutely horrible. I call this time in my life "when I was crazy" because the medication did truly make me feel that way. I do not remember everything from these 3 months. It was like I was in a fog. I believe it was God's way of protecting me from the side effects of the medication. I will never take this medication again and would strongly recommend other's to find a different alternative as well.
I stayed on the Prozac and Bella was born! Another beautiful baby girl that was happy and healthy! When Bella was 10 months old we found out we were expecting number 3. Needless to say this was definitely a surprise! When I finally figured out that what I had was not a stomach virus, I was already 3 months along. It was hard for me to accept that I was having another baby. I had just decided that 2 children were enough and had started to make some changes in my life to better myself. My hormones were really out of wack at this point. I talked to my doctor and we decided that I had been on Prozac for so long that switching me to a new medication may not be a bad idea. I switched to Lexapro and that seemed to help.
We all know that Livie was born with Craniosynostosis. What I am finding out now is that the Prozac and Lexapro may have caused her condition. I first heard this before Livie's surgery and put it on the back burner. I started digging into this a little more recently and what I am finding is truly heartbreaking. A lot of anti-depressants may cause this and other problems in children being born. At first I was sad and now I am angry. The reason why I stayed on the medication during pregnancy was because it was safe. I talked to all my doctors about it and not one of them was worried. It was safe and there were no known side affects, was what I was told with each of my children. Prozac is one of the older anti-depressants that has been around forever. Why wasn't this caught sooner?
Addie and Bella were not born with Craniosynostosis but, some of the other things the medication can cause is heart and lung problems. Does this mean that down the road they can develop problems? Does this mean that Livie can also have heart and lung problems? I am so worried that I caused this and it could have been prevented. I am so scared that the reason Livie has gone through a major surgery is because of me. I am her mom and am supposed to protect her! I have seriously lost sleep over this. I know that there is nothing I can do about it now but, I can raise awareness. I already believe that I am supposed to be an advocate for Craniosynostosis and now finding out if the medication has caused this can be added to the list.
I do understand that this could just be a fluke and the medication could have nothing to do with why Livie was born with Craniosynostosis but, it will become my mission to find out and raise awareness.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
God Is Good!
Thank you so much to everyone for all the support and prayers that we have received over the past 6 months especially over the past few days. I know that I keep saying this but it is truly amazing and we are so blessed.
We arrived in Rochester on Thursday night and took the kids swimming and tried to relax and take our minds off of the next days events. Mike's parents came up and my parents and sister, Brooke. We attempted to go to bed early but, that didn't work out either. Once I was able to go to bed I did sleep pretty well. I love the beds at the Courtyard by Marriott. If you have not slept on one I highly recommend that you do! The night before the surgery all I could think about was getting to the hospital and somehow something would come up and they would not be able to do the surgery. I was making myself sick to my stomach. I had to quit thinking like that. Everything was going to be fine and I just had to believe that and have faith!
On Friday, 04.01.11 at 6:30am we were at St. Mary's Hospital getting checked-in for her surgery. We met a great family in the waiting area that had a little girl named Katie. I had fun trying to make her my new best friend and I am pretty sure that she thought I was crazy. We ended up watching a little bit of Curious George on her sister's iPod.
My father kept himself busy by watching a pair of bald eagles sit in their nest on 3 eggs over the Internet. Apparently there were 160,000+ people watching these birds! I had no idea it was even going on and thought he was crazy when he just sat and stared at them. Now I am intrigued and have now found myself asking about if they have hatched or not yet.
We were finally called back to have the anesthesiologists take a look at her and clear her for surgery. I was just a nervous wreck waiting for them to say it was a go. There were so many questions to answer and a lot of them we were asked 2 or 3 times. I felt rushed as they were trying to stay on time and get things done and get her back there. I didn't want to let her go but, at the same time I just wanted this all behind us so we could move forward. She was hungry and really getting pissy about not being able to eat. She did really well though which made it easier. The anesthesiologist that came to get her and take her back was a handsome gentlemen and extremely nice. At this point I was extremely calm and just glad to have the process started. There was no turning back now.
We were gathered in the waiting area with other families. Looking around I kept wondering what their stories were. I did get a couple stories and met some wonderful people. I had to get out of there though. I couldn't just sit there and stare at the TV screen that gave updates about her status. It would have driven me nuts. It felt like she was in surgery for a very long time. It was 4 hours and 30 minutes that the procedure lasted. Exactly what they told us. Our family ended up back in an area where food and beverage was allowed, kind of off by itself. We had fun talking and watching the eagles. We received one update that they were closing and she was doing very well. Dr Clay and his nurse, Mary Jo came and spoke to us after the procedure was completed. They moved the side of the skull that was fused forward as far as they could which was 14mm and had to do a bone graft to make an eyebrow for her and on the other side they moved that back 2mm. I love that Dr Clay wears a Superman surgical cap because he is definitely a hero!
I was scared to see her at first but, she looked so good. Happiness just radiated through my entire body! I don't know if I have felt that before but, it was the best feeling. My beautiful baby girl was still here with us and did amazing through the surgery. I know there were plenty of angels in there with her keeping her safe and comforting her throughout the entire procedure.
Last night was incredible. She was not really herself when we left and went down to dinner and when we returned she was awake, playing with her paci and smiling and cooing at us. Brooke was the first one to get a smile and it brought tears to her eyes. She slept through the night last night and woke up happy which makes me so happy. We cannot thank the Lord enough for this miracle.
I hope that none of you have to go through anything like this with one of your children. However, I do hope at some point in your life you are able to experience the same positive support and comradery that we have through Mayo. Everyone here is amazing and brings individual talents to the table. I absolutely loved her nurses in the Pediatric ICU, Crystal and Brie. Awesome ladies that were fun and made the situation so much easier for us! Randy, works with children and tells them what to expect the first time they see their loved one after surgery is awesome! He came to Livie's room with them and answered all of their questions and then just hung out with us for awhile. He is a wonderful man and so great with kids! Today the girls got to go to the helicopter pad and sit in the helicopter and learn all about the flights they make to help babies. Just so happens that both Crystal and Brie are flight nurses and Addie got to meet them! Before we left the ICU I made it a point to let them know how awesome they are and that I hoped they were told that often and not to forget it! Very special women!
Today I also met 2 other very special people. Amber and Melanie. Amber is Melanie's mom and they have been here for 2 1/2 weeks. Amber has not left the hospital since they have arrived and is here with her 24/7. She has went down to the cafeteria once while her husband stayed with Melanie. Melanie is 7 years old and has been in and out of Mayo 60-70 times. This last time has been extremely hard on the family as they almost lost Melanie last Tuesday. She unfortunately will have to learn everything all over again. She can't sit by herself or anything anymore. She is a beautiful little girl that looks like Addie and she has a little sister named Bella. She has a mitochondrial disease that causes her organs to shut down and it is progressive. I ask that you please pray for this family as they are going through a difficult time. I am so happy to say that I know her story and am so glad that I asked.
We arrived in Rochester on Thursday night and took the kids swimming and tried to relax and take our minds off of the next days events. Mike's parents came up and my parents and sister, Brooke. We attempted to go to bed early but, that didn't work out either. Once I was able to go to bed I did sleep pretty well. I love the beds at the Courtyard by Marriott. If you have not slept on one I highly recommend that you do! The night before the surgery all I could think about was getting to the hospital and somehow something would come up and they would not be able to do the surgery. I was making myself sick to my stomach. I had to quit thinking like that. Everything was going to be fine and I just had to believe that and have faith!
On Friday, 04.01.11 at 6:30am we were at St. Mary's Hospital getting checked-in for her surgery. We met a great family in the waiting area that had a little girl named Katie. I had fun trying to make her my new best friend and I am pretty sure that she thought I was crazy. We ended up watching a little bit of Curious George on her sister's iPod.
My father kept himself busy by watching a pair of bald eagles sit in their nest on 3 eggs over the Internet. Apparently there were 160,000+ people watching these birds! I had no idea it was even going on and thought he was crazy when he just sat and stared at them. Now I am intrigued and have now found myself asking about if they have hatched or not yet.
We were finally called back to have the anesthesiologists take a look at her and clear her for surgery. I was just a nervous wreck waiting for them to say it was a go. There were so many questions to answer and a lot of them we were asked 2 or 3 times. I felt rushed as they were trying to stay on time and get things done and get her back there. I didn't want to let her go but, at the same time I just wanted this all behind us so we could move forward. She was hungry and really getting pissy about not being able to eat. She did really well though which made it easier. The anesthesiologist that came to get her and take her back was a handsome gentlemen and extremely nice. At this point I was extremely calm and just glad to have the process started. There was no turning back now.
We were gathered in the waiting area with other families. Looking around I kept wondering what their stories were. I did get a couple stories and met some wonderful people. I had to get out of there though. I couldn't just sit there and stare at the TV screen that gave updates about her status. It would have driven me nuts. It felt like she was in surgery for a very long time. It was 4 hours and 30 minutes that the procedure lasted. Exactly what they told us. Our family ended up back in an area where food and beverage was allowed, kind of off by itself. We had fun talking and watching the eagles. We received one update that they were closing and she was doing very well. Dr Clay and his nurse, Mary Jo came and spoke to us after the procedure was completed. They moved the side of the skull that was fused forward as far as they could which was 14mm and had to do a bone graft to make an eyebrow for her and on the other side they moved that back 2mm. I love that Dr Clay wears a Superman surgical cap because he is definitely a hero!
I was scared to see her at first but, she looked so good. Happiness just radiated through my entire body! I don't know if I have felt that before but, it was the best feeling. My beautiful baby girl was still here with us and did amazing through the surgery. I know there were plenty of angels in there with her keeping her safe and comforting her throughout the entire procedure.
Last night was incredible. She was not really herself when we left and went down to dinner and when we returned she was awake, playing with her paci and smiling and cooing at us. Brooke was the first one to get a smile and it brought tears to her eyes. She slept through the night last night and woke up happy which makes me so happy. We cannot thank the Lord enough for this miracle.
I hope that none of you have to go through anything like this with one of your children. However, I do hope at some point in your life you are able to experience the same positive support and comradery that we have through Mayo. Everyone here is amazing and brings individual talents to the table. I absolutely loved her nurses in the Pediatric ICU, Crystal and Brie. Awesome ladies that were fun and made the situation so much easier for us! Randy, works with children and tells them what to expect the first time they see their loved one after surgery is awesome! He came to Livie's room with them and answered all of their questions and then just hung out with us for awhile. He is a wonderful man and so great with kids! Today the girls got to go to the helicopter pad and sit in the helicopter and learn all about the flights they make to help babies. Just so happens that both Crystal and Brie are flight nurses and Addie got to meet them! Before we left the ICU I made it a point to let them know how awesome they are and that I hoped they were told that often and not to forget it! Very special women!
Today I also met 2 other very special people. Amber and Melanie. Amber is Melanie's mom and they have been here for 2 1/2 weeks. Amber has not left the hospital since they have arrived and is here with her 24/7. She has went down to the cafeteria once while her husband stayed with Melanie. Melanie is 7 years old and has been in and out of Mayo 60-70 times. This last time has been extremely hard on the family as they almost lost Melanie last Tuesday. She unfortunately will have to learn everything all over again. She can't sit by herself or anything anymore. She is a beautiful little girl that looks like Addie and she has a little sister named Bella. She has a mitochondrial disease that causes her organs to shut down and it is progressive. I ask that you please pray for this family as they are going through a difficult time. I am so happy to say that I know her story and am so glad that I asked.
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